On Being an Encourager
We are living at an unusual time, as the numbers of older people in the US are increasing significantly. One health-related implication of this is that the numbers of people with serious illnesses are on the increase as well. Some of the most serious illnesses are the result of heart disease, cancer, stroke, respiratory diseases and diabetes. At the same time, we are living in a youth-oriented culture that is averse to the reality that many people are suffering with serious and often life-threatening diseases.
As a consequence, we often avoid coming in contact with people who are suffering and if we do, we may be unprepared to support them. Many people struggling with life-threatening diseases often find themselves literally abandoned by friends and even family members. Yet, this is the time when they may be most in need of support.
The American Cancer Society has some hints on helpfully being with a person with cancer - most of which would be appreciated by anyone with a severe or life threatening illness:
1. What should I say to the person who has cancer?
- I'm not sure what to say - but I want you to know that I care.
- I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this.
- How are you doing?
- If you would like to talk - I am here.
- Let me know if I can help.
- I'll keep you in my thoughts
2. What are some concrete ways to help?
- Offer to do some research on their cancer
- Send or prepare a meal and schedule its arrival with others doing the same thing
- Offer to help with child care
- Offer rides to and from treatments
- Help run errands
- Offer to take phone calls if your friend is tired and needs help
- Coordinate visits by groups, the arrival of flowers
- If appropriate - plan a party when treatment is finished or on anniversary dates.
Consider the following do's and don'ts as well.
DON'T:
Offer unsolicited advice or judgment
Take things too personally - the person with cancer is likely to be quieter than usual
Be afraid to talk about the illness
Always feel that you have to talk about the cancer
Be afraid to touch or hug your friend if that was a part of the relationship before they became ill
Be patronizing or tell the person that you know how they feel - you don't
Show false optimism or tell the person with cancer to have a positive attitude
Tell them that they look pale or look like they have lost weight
Tell them stories about family members or friends who have had cancer
Expect the person with cancer to be strong all the time
DO:
Take cues from the person with cancer- some are private while others want to talk.
Respect treatment decisions.
Include the person in activities that they previously engaged in and trust them to decline if they can't join in.
Listen without feeling the need to respond
Expect the person to have good and bad days with their cancer
Keep your relationship as normal and balanced as possible
Look for opportunities for humor taking the lead from the person with the disease.
Let people know when they look healthy
Offer to help with finances or the purchase of equipment that may not be covered by insurance
In addition, there are some strategies that I have found useful that can make some of the previous suggestions easier to implement. If you are not sure what to say, practice with a friend or take a few seconds to rehearse your comments before you blurt something out that may be upsetting or hurtful.
As the friend or relative of the person with an illness, if you have children, include them in the discussions that you have on how you plan to respond. Where possible and with preparation, take them with you on your visits to help teach them how to care for someone who may be dealing with a severe illness. You will be equipping them with skills that will surely be put to use later in their lives and as well expanding their ability to love and care for others.
Think of a severe illness as a journey with a sometimes uncertain destination - traveling with loving relatives and friends can help to provide a cushion in difficult times and often ease some of the suffering.
Article Created: 2005-02-10
Article Updated: 2005-02-10
"Your Health" provides easy-to-understand information about common health conditions.
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