Question #1: I have two children ages 8 and 10 with whom I am having a great time. I’m savoring these years as I am preparing myself for a change in our relationship as they enter the teen years. What can I do to prepare myself for this next phase in our lives?
Question #2: I have a 13-year-old son who doesn’t want to be seen with me in public. He is distant and doesn’t respond to any attempts on my part for some warmth or interplay. Is this just the way it’s going to be for the next few years, or can I do something about it?
A: These questions arose out of conversations with two fellow faculty members, one a pediatrician and the other a research scientist. Both were dads who evidenced a genuine and deep love for their children. Their concerns reflect some of our conceptions about adolescence and the sense of futility that many parents grapple with as their children enter this important developmental stage.
This can be a really be tough for kids for a variety of reasons. From a physical perspective, their bodies are experiencing rapid changes that are not necessarily synchronous with their peers of the same age. For young women, the onset of menstruation, breast development, change in body shape, height, voice and other changes all occur at different times – often leaving those physically less mature young women at a disadvantage.
The same is true for young men regarding testicular and penile growth, the accumulation of body hair, voice changes, and the development of a more muscular physique. You need to tell your sons and daughters about these different rates of maturation and reassure them, sometimes almost daily, that they are going to make it through and emerge with adult bodies in due time.
The rate of apparent change can be accentuated, especially among young women, if parents allow makeup and the wearing of more revealing or tight-fitting clothes at a younger age. I can’t give you a hard and fast age on when to allow some of these age-related perks. A zero tolerance policy is a recipe for continuous confrontation. Better to have a conversation with your 11-12 year old and create a schedule tied to certain ages, gradually adding in acceptable clothing and make-up (keeping in mind that Britney Spears is not a role model).
The development of acne is a key problem that can lead embarrassment and shyness. Teach your children how to care for their skin and encourage them to take the responsibility to do so. Simple things like washing their faces twice a day with an antibacterial soap, followed by a cleansing with a mild astringent like benzoyl peroxide, can make a big difference. Go ahead and purchase these items and have them in the bathroom where they can use them. If this is ineffective, ask them if they would like to see their family doctor for other treatments.
This is an important time for the creation of substantive self-esteem. One pathway to this is through personal accomplishment. Potential avenues can include scholastic success, music, sports, other artistic endeavors, or the acquisition of technical skills. Do not ask them if they want to pursue any of these objectives, but rather which one is of the most interest to them. I’m not advocating a parent-intensive experience where kids are driven to achieve unreasonable goals, but steady support and encouragement. Hopefully, by the time your kids are 8-10, you’ve had a few glimpses of what their natural talents are and can offer some guidance.
Be a meaningfully present parent. The best way to neutralize any ill effects from peer groups is to let your children know on a regular basis that you love them and to do so by not withdrawing from them. This is not the time to leave them for your own weekend trips, but instead to be at home while they are out and to reassure them that you are there and can be called on if they get in a jam. Try to find something affectionate to say to them privately each day and make an effort to compliment them on the positive aspects of the way they look and handle themselves. Look for moments when you can put a hand on their shoulder; give a brief embrace before bedtime or leaving for school in the morning. Tell them where you’re going to be sitting the stands at a sporting event or in the audience so they can look quickly and see you there.
Resist the temptation to criticize their friends – they will naturally come to their defense. Rather invite them to your home for meals, take them with you on family outings and involve them in your family life. You may find that they have some redeeming characteristics, or your children may see their friend’s behavior in a different light and opt out of the relationship.
This age is an opportunity to set the stage for the kind of relationship you will have with your children as they enter young adulthood. Don’t miss the opportunities to do so. Remember the words of Mark Twain, who said that at the age of fourteen he thought his father a complete idiot – and by the age of twenty-one was amazed at how much his dad had learned over those seven years.
