“Mourning has become unfashionable in the United States. The bereaved are supposed to pull themselves together as quickly as possible and to reweave the torn fabric of life.”
-- Margaret Mead
On my desk, I have a box of personalized note cards to send sympathy messages when one of my patients dies. Last week, I wrote cards to three separate families. Several times each year, I attend a visitation. Writing notes and saying goodbye to families was not easy at first. I selfishly worried that they would “blame” me.
Instead, I have been overwhelmed by the warmth, gratitude, and caring that the families express. Many times, we all realize that we have been privileged to share some truly unique experiences.
The values of these gestures came into focus as I read “The Doctor’s Letter of Condolence” (Bedell SE, Cadenhead K, Groboys TB, NEJM 344:1162-1164, 4/12/2001). The writers describe the physician’s historically important role in mourning.
They provide guidance on how a letter should be written. They point out that “failure to communicate with the family members conveys a lack of concern about their loss…particularly when we share with them some of the most profound moments of live and death.” I commend the article to each of you who cares for cancer patients.
It has been a tough year, and I recently ordered a new box of note cards. I wonder what stories I will accumulate before I have to order another.
